Confronting the “Shadow Self”
An introduction to a series of essays exploring shadow through the “East/ West dichotomy”; colonialism; mythology; monsters; Oppenheimer; nuclear warfare; gothic literature and ghost stories.
O Rose thou art sick.
The invisible worm,
That flies in the night
In the howling storm:
Has found out thy bed
Of crimson joy:
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy.
“The Sick Rose”, William Blake
Traditional analysis of Blake’s poem “The Sick Rose” has seen the “invisible worm” as an evil force, a destroyer of the rose and its symbol of purity. I remember reading this poem for the first time at a young age and being unmoved by the rose’s destruction. Reflecting nowadays on my blase reaction to the rose’s fate, I realised that I had recognised in the poem a natural progression. My maturer, analytical mind understands that when love, a force both vital and beautiful, is relegated to “dark” and “secret”, it is natural that it would become harmful. Any natural and vital force existing inside us that has been forced into exile will undoubtedly become a poisonous weapon.
The striking yet simple imagery in Blake’s poem gives us a perfect introduction to the shadow self.
I will start at the beginning. How I arrived here, and why I felt it was time for me to write about “the shadow”.
The shadow self is a concept in psychoanalysis referring to the unconscious parts of our personalities that we resist. Carl Jung wrote extensively on the subject, and shadow work is an integral part of the psychoanalytical toolkit. The theory is that if one can understand when they repress parts of their own personality, they can know themselves better, consequently alleviating a great deal of suffering.
When I first heard about “shadow” I was naturally intrigued. In 2022 I had begun to write down my dreams each morning to understand better my unconscious machinations. Many of my motivations and desires were a mystery to me. There was an iceberg beneath the surface large enough to sink the Titanic, a hot bubbling lava that lay in the bowels of a dormant volcano.
I’ve also always been fascinated by “shadow” aspects of popular culture: ghosts and goblins, the occult and mythical monsters. As a child I was perpetually terrified of falling asleep, convinced the shadows in the room were creatures lying in wait to pounce on me. In adulthood, these shadows are friendlier; a veil of mystery partitioning an undiscovered alternative universe; an escape from the screaming boredom of what many people call “reality”. Whereas for many, “the real world” consists of Twitter, bills and shopping centres, I see more truth in stories, myth, or the goosebumps that appear on your arms when you hear beautiful music.
Yet whilst researching the topic of “the shadow”, the resources I found left me wanting for more. More depth, more clarity, accessibility. And so I did what many writers do when they find themselves in this quandary, I began to write about it myself.
Looking at the shadow is a hot topic amongst “young-ish” folk like me, dabblers in divination, or those haunted by the shadow of their parents’ and grandparents’ devotion to or rejection of religious practices. Those who continue to query the neat split down the middle between good and evil. This might have traditionally manifested itself in the God/ Devil dichotomy. Nowadays it might manifest itself in secular culture as the newspapers one chooses to read; the political party one chooses to vote for.
My research revealed that the topic was riddled with inconsistencies. I came across articles and YouTube videos that were more confusing than enlightening. The shadow’s very nature leaves it vulnerable to shallow interpretations of what is perceived as good and bad. There is an assumption that in investigating our shadow side, we probe our flaws, or the aspects of our personality considered “morally dubious”.
I delved deeper into the study with essay collections such as, “Meeting The Shadow: The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature”, which included writing by Carl Jung, as well as other renowned psychoanalysis and thinkers such as James Hillman, Marie-Louise von Franz, and Audre Lord.
I felt sceptical of essays that outlined the theory whilst taking an excessively authoritative tone. Given the subjective nature of the topic, it seemed contradictory that there could be a definitive explanation. Many of the essayists allude to this when discussing Western society’s traditionally black and white moralism whilst using the same framework of moralism they purport to challenge. Some of them did so knowingly, others, I believe, did so unconsciously. Therein lies the difficulty of “shadow”.
Shadow in the context of psychoanalysis is generally appraised within a Western-centric lens, using language definitively aimed at a professional, educated class. Curiously, it is assumed that we all have a shared understanding of what is good and evil.
My belief is that the only way we can grasp “the shadow” is by conceding to its slippery nature. As William B Yeats wrote,
“the centre cannot hold, things fall apart”.
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The answer is that there is no answer.
And we will never truly know what is right or wrong; good or bad. This is thorny, especially for those campaigning for a juster society. I always say that I am an activist of the heart. To me, it is plain wrong that some people have easier access to the basics of survival and education. A society that doesn’t care for its vulnerable, in my opinion, is a sick society. Yet everyday there are attacks on the vulnerable; the poor stay poor, and oppressed nations are further oppressed, whilst this is regarded as righteous in the wealthiest countries.
What I feel earnestly in my heart is not felt by all. And it doesn’t convince others either.
I was recently accused of having an unrealistic ideology built on unicorns and rainbows. The accusation didn’t bother me in the slightest, but the point being made was that my expectations were arrogant and unrealistic. My accuser felt that I was turning my back on others by living in an overindulgent fantasy of what humanity should be. He may have been correct. He may not have known that alongside the land of unicorns and rainbows I was unconsciously projecting, was also a bleak wasteland of sorrow; a reflection of the evil that can be witnessed on a daily basis.
This is a good example of two humans and their shadow selves rebutting off each other. I had no answers for him. I have no answers for myself. However I do know that the more I investigate my own shadow side, I am less likely to believe that improbable fantasies are probable. I am less likely to blame others for the ills that befall me and society, and more likely to look at myself, and what I can do.
I have found that it is only through my own creatively-led research and abandonment to the topic that I have begun to access the shadow self. Likely my journey will not be similar to anyone else’s. I present my own journey to reveal its idiosyncrasies. This will not be a tell-all, look-at-my trauma series, but an investigation into the tools, types of reading and practices I have employed to reveal what I was hiding from myself.
Disclaimer: a personal investigation into the shadow is not for the faint-hearted. You will need many tools and resources, time and space to get through it. It would be judicious to make the journey with a therapist too. I did not, because I couldn't afford it, but I also could not afford to delay the journey any longer. These series of essays have taken me over six months to write, precisely because the process was so painful. I simply couldn’t push through and publish. I needed space and time.
When I began writing this series, I was hopeful, deluded, excited about my research and findings. I thought that by losing myself in myth, monsters, ghost stories and poetry I could polish the jagged edges of this labyrinthine trail.
However, familiarising oneself with the shadow is not all doom and gloom. There is much joy to be found in it.
Reading up on myths and following my nose about symbols and imagery that I am attracted to has been a diverting and enriching experience. The psychoanalyst John Sanford said that:
“Whatever has been repressed holds a tremendous amount of energy, with a great positive potential. So the shadow, no matter how troublesome it may be, is not intrinsically evil. The ego in its refusal of insight and its refusal to accept the entire personality, contributes much more to evil than the shadow.”
Ultimately, if one is able to release what one has repressed, a burden will be shifted. The future will undoubtedly be brighter. I say this with rueful hope; as I am still in the throes of this fascinating but terrifying process.
It is true that the initial stage to understanding your repressed self is difficult. You are looking into precisely what you have thought (or have been told) is wrong about you. It is important to have techniques to deal with this; or to metaphorically shake off the demons, whether this is through meditation or physical exercise.
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Personally, the guitar, yoga, meditation and various forms of physical exercise such as jiu jitsu have helped me. Another surprising tool I added to my demon-slaying belt was joining a drama improvisation group in Jerez de la Frontera, Andalusia. The prospect of doing this terrified me. Aside from my fear about my lack of verbal dexterity in Spanish “Andaluz”, I had always hated drama improvisation. Yet the experience was healing. Was I good at it? No. Did I make a fool of myself? Constantly. Was that part of the cure? Absolutely.
I wrote an article about the “fool” archetype: Playing the Fool in my mid 30s.
The frustration is that the shadow is so deeply entrenched, that it is equally adept at evading you. To explain this, Connie Zweig, the editor of “Meeting the Shadow” refers to Jung’s riddle, “How do you find a lion that has swallowed you?”, elaborating that:
“because the shadow by definition is unconscious, it is not always possible to know whether or not we are under the sway of some compelling part of our shadow’s contents”.
Psychoanalyst, Edward C. Whitmont compares seeing the shadow as an “automobile driver” who unknowingly wears spectacles of red glass. He wouldn’t be able to distinguish between red, green and yellow at the traffic lights, therefore is at risk of having an accident. He argues:
“The danger to him comes from the inability to differentiate and separate what his ‘red projection’ imposes on him. Where a shadow projection occurs we are not able to differentiate between the actuality of the other person and our own complexes. We cannot see where we begin and he ends. We cannot see him, neither can we see ourselves.”
Edward C. Whitmont
So we begin in a tangled mess. It is a daunting task.
Marie Louise von France describes it as:
“the psychological equivalent of the labours of Hercules. This unfortunate hero’s first task, you will remember, was to clean up in one day the Augean Stables, in which hundreds of cattle had dropped their dung for many decades–a task so enormous that the ordinary mortal would be overcome by discouragement at the mere thought of it.”
Therefore, I believe it is important to caution–as many resources on the matter fail to–the gravity of this personal investigation. I also want to acknowledge that I am incredibly fortunate to be in the position to undertake the task. It is undoubtedly from my place of privilege, having a strong network of people in my life, and living in an affluent, peaceful part of the world (the United Kingdom) that allows me to do this.
I am well aware of the shadow looming behind the concept of the United Kingdom as a “peaceful” entity, due to our blighted history and present of imperialism, warring and extraction of resources allover the globe. I will discuss this further in my next article.
If there is a way to approach this reality with humility, I believe it is appropriate to work towards letting go of a fixed sense of self and ego. If the “I” that I have constructed is located within these privileged paradigms, then my work to better understand myself and others is predicated in dissolving the “I”.
I love Guatemalan poet Isabel de los Ángeles Ruano’s poem “Cathedral of Nothingness”.
“and I am not because I am dissolving into nothingness
total dissolution of my already broken self.
cathedral of silence
cathedral of tall metal towers with clocks and mist
cathedral of nothingness, silent and gloomy
afternoon coffin, awake, sparkling.”
“Cathedral of Nothingness”, Isabel de los Ángeles Ruano, Poemas Grises, 2010
The phrase, “a total dissolution of my already broken self”, speaks to me. The poem is a treatise on a metaphorical and spiritual death. The image of an “afternoon coffin” that is “awake, sparkling” is a wonderful contradiction. It tells us that the sombre or macabre is also transformative and beautiful. It is the rediscovery of self in “a cathedral of silence”; one’s inner meditative state.
P.s. If you are intrigued by this work, I would be so grateful if you could fuel future research and writing sprees by buying me a coffee. To continue writing about ideas that aren’t dictated by the mainstream frenzy I rely on the kindness of strangers (or known supporters and friends) to keep me going. If you can’t afford to buy me a coffee then a comment, like or response is sufficient fuel. Thank you.