Have You Been Good to Yourself?

Have you though?

Every so often I remember this song and I dance madly to it. It’s a song with a funky riff and it talks about self-care in the loveliest way. It does veer into the threatening when it asks

“Have you been following the ten com-mandments?”

“Have you been living a right-eous life?”

Regardless of the problematic tone of living life “righteously” (in accordance with what and to whom, I ask?), the song has a nice message.

My belief is that we are all righteous at our core. All of us have goodness in us.

How can something be wrong if it exists?

I used to be a big “do-er”. I always pushed against what felt wrong in my stomach in order to “deliver”. Actions that neither felt good nor comfortable for me at the time. And I believe this is where the trouble starts.

I used to perform and make art projects with a friend. The same arguments arose. I got annoyed when he ceded all actions and intentions to the universe. Particularly when it was an excuse for being an hour late, or when we had a deadline. I rolled my eyes when he’d consult the I Ching about what I thought were practical matters. Through this conflict, and over time, we gravitated more towards the other’s way of thinking, at the same time moving in the opposite direction.

These days I am more of a thinker. I give in constantly to the universe, waiting to see what it has to say to me. It can take days, weeks to make a decision – weighing up whether it’s right for me, or the people I love; whether in the long run it will result in the deterioration of my mental health. My natural impulse has always been to act, or react, so this process isn’t as peaceful as it sounds. It’s a dualistic struggle. On the other hand, my friend is making his way in the world, often biting off more than he can chew and retreating before crashing. This more dogged way of being isn’t so natural to him. Yet I believe the universe wanted us to learn from each other, giving us the ability to step outside ourselves to see it the other way around.

I have identified that the trouble starts with me when I push against myself. It’s not bad to push yourself, as long as it isn’t in the wrong direction. I am currently in recovery mode after an intense Spanish course, finally getting a qualification.

I am obsessive about language. I enjoy the process of fine-tuning the blurry areas into focus. Language can be viewed as a kind of science. A method applied to build a logical mind-map in your brain. But learning it well also depends on your grasp of nuance and context. Once you’ve scratched the surface you uncover a deep well of detail and anomaly. It’s hard to know when to stop burrowing. I did well in the course and was elated when I got my results. I also made a resolve to rest and take it easy in the week following the exam, particularly since I had just recovered from 10 days of Covid.

Did I take my own advice? Did I hell!

I ended the following week in full burnout/ meltdown territory.

So, what am I doing now to compensate?

I am forgiving myself. I suddenly had this huge drive to be sociable and communicate with people. I practiced my newly-polished Spanish with my friends, who noted the improvement. I couldn’t remember feeling the drive to socialise, without fear, for almost three years, so I took advantage. I responded. I reacted. It felt good and it felt novel. The crash was always coming but I rode with it, and now I’m gently piecing myself back together.

We often talk about self-care, but I prefer the expression self-preservation.

Because that’s what it’s about. That tomorrow’s version of you is going to be capable of respecting yourself and others better if you preserve your energy. The capacity to be present. Alongside these realisations I have been streaming series about gangsters at home. I am re-watching The Sopranos and I’ve just got into Top Boy. Generally, I don’t enjoy violence, action or fighting on screen, but what pulls me into these series are the human stories, and the foundations of the psychology of the characters that are so cleverly laid down.

It’s a great way for us to understand the “problem” of the human condition. That no one ever starts off being “not righteous”, or a “wrong ’un”, but they can get pulled into the mess of human dysfunction. And sometimes through our acts of love and protection for those we care about, the people outside our “inner sanctum” get harmed. I am always intrigued by complex characters. I want to see what we have in common. I want to understand better the part of myself that is capable of harming others.

I am lagging with my professional goals. I did an interview in April with a very interesting artist for this very newsletter. I had hoped to get it out this month. But when I sat down to write, I knew that all I’d be capable of writing was a little brain hiccup. So, this is my little brain hiccup.

I hope that you all are being good to yourselves too. What else is there for it? What could you give yourself “a pat on the back” for doing this month? What are you still working on to improve? If you have any you’d like to tell me about, I’d love to know. Reply, send me a message.

These are mine, innit:

Pat on the back for…

• Sticking through the more challenging aspects of the Spanish course, even if every day the inner critic told me I was incapable and lazy.

• Realising I want to let go of the business side of my writing, re-establishing myself as a person who writes, makes films, subtitles (artfully) and dedicates their life to creativity.

• Continuing to practice the guitar, although I don’t have a natural gift.

Working on…

• Not thinking that everything I make/ write/ do is bad by default.

• Learning it’s okay that certain dysfunctional behaviours I learnt in childhood still rear their ugly head. These things take time.

• Realising that the imaginary other I have constructed in my head, the person I should be, who is doing what I should be doing, doesn’t exist and no one else can see her.

Housekeeping:

My professional copywriting email expired a lot quicker than I thought it would when I cancelled my subscription, so I am not contactable by that address. I am now solely using my personal email, which is: morrisrebeccaw@gmail.com.

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More things to read:

This gorgeous and liberating piece, Rites of Spring by Lydia Beardmore for our music publication, Those Who Were Dancing. (Sign up to the publication fam!)

I wrote about the merits of fevers in the midst of my Covid fever.

If my chat about love got you thinking about love and how you can work on loving better, I also wrote about that in a previous newsletter, What’s Love Got to Do With It?

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P.s. Kofi donations are always appreciated. I use these donations to pay to submit creative writing pieces.

P.p.s. You might have noticed that I’ve reconnected with my London roots after watching Top Boy, and there are some “innits” and “fams” dispersed through the newsletter. I hugely recommend watching it!